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News Flash: Metro Cuts Costs, Hires Child Labor

March 26, 2008

Washington, DC–In a radical move, the Washington Metro Area Transit Authority has adopted the policy of hiring children to run it’s oft criticized Metro train fleet.

Citing increasing operating costs and public outcry, Metro officials proclaimed the new policy was born under an all-night brainstorming session. “We threw our senior-level employees in a small, windowless room and told them to ‘Get creative and make it work’. We looped never-ending episodes of Project Runway, Pokemon, and The PowerPuff Girls and stocked them with a stash of leftover Easter candy, Red Bull, lace, malt liquor, Cheetos, and an assortment of buttons and loose fabric. Then we told them they couldn’t come out until they came up with a solution that makes everyone happy” reported one senior Metro official. “It worked.”

Metro is happy because children cost a lot less to employ. “Their cost of living is extremely low, so they don’t expect much plus they just take up less space, leaving more room for commuter seats.” said one Metro payroll employee. She also mentioned that in some cases children can be paid entirely in perks, letting some operate the train with a puppy on his or her lap, for example. Commuters should be happy because this program will eliminate the need for more fare hikes.

The program debuted last week and this reporter had the chance to commute in on one of the child-operated trains this morning. No noticeable driving errors were detected, although a giggle may have escaped the operator’s mouth after announcing “Next stop: Foggy Bottom.”

“Doesn’t she need to be in school?” asked one commuter.

“I can understand her better than the normal guy.” voiced another.

Who they were talking about is Kiki Williams, a 6-year old from Greenbelt, MD, and this morning’s Orange Line operator. “My mom says I don’t have to go to school ’til next year and since she don’t like my auntie Karen anymore, she won’t let me go over to her house and play when mommy’s at work, so now I come to Metro and play on this train. I have to push the buttons and eat candy and stuff and say ‘Bottom’ sometimes on this mic-o-phone. Heehee.”

As of press time, Metro confirmed that the rollout of this program will be soft; just one child operator per line until the program can be fully evaluated. In the meantime, look for Kiki on the Orange line and say “hi” for me.

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. March 27, 2008 6:18 pm

    Writing for the Onion now?

    Meanwhile, the metro is calling for like $489 million today or something? You know, safety. pftt

  2. March 27, 2008 8:54 pm

    It’s a cost-cutting measure, dude. Kid operators will work for juice and snacks.

  3. March 28, 2008 4:47 pm

    I think this would be an improvement.

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