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Baby Bananas Quick & Dirty Guide to SuperBowl XLII*

February 1, 2008

*Now with more supermodels and much needed cosmetic dental procedures!

Ok, by now we all know this will be anything but quick (as proven by my last two installments; XL and XLI) but I will do my best to make it quicker and dirtier. Leave it to the SuperBowl to be my reentry into writing for the year.

DISCLAIMER: This is the third annual Quick & Dirty Guide to the Super Bowl and it’s content is geared towards those not entirely familiar with the sport (for the less than dim, “the sport” being football). Use this helpful guide to help you choose a team to root for at your Super Bowl festivities—hopefully not based on the color of the uniforms or who the quarterback has most recently impregnated.

nyg-v-pats.jpg

PHOENIX, ARIZONA. Hey, it’s the battle of 5 of the 13 colonial states! This Sunday, the New York Giants and the New England Patriots will fight it out for top football honors of 2007 in the 42nd SuperBowl. Currently the odds makers have the Patriots favored by 12 points. Is this because the boot came off for media day? In any case, if the last game of the regular season was any indication we are in for a good game. Fingers crossed. There’s nothing worse than a boring SuperBowl. Well maybe watching a boring SuperBowl with sucky food.


THE TEAMS

New England
Team Name: Patriots
Nickname:
The Pats

2007 Record (regular season): 16-0
Got into the playoffs by, well, beating all of their opponents

Noteworthy Item: Going for the first perfect season since the 1972 Miami Dolphins.

Buzz: “Spygate”. Team was caught spying on opponents by video tapping their sideline goings on. Situation was “remedied” by fining the team $250K and the head coach, Bill Belichick, $500K. No surprise that Washington now wants to get involved.

New York
Team Name: Giantsmanning-ad.jpg
Nickname:
G Men

2007 Record: 10-6
Got into the playoffs on a wildcard berth and a wing and a prayer, kidding!

Noteworthy Item: Quarterback Eli Manning is the little brother to last year’s SuperBowl winning QB and commercial funny-man, Peyton Manning.

Buzz: What’s buzz worthy about this team? They haven’t spied on anyone, there’s no boot controversy, Randy Moss isn’t on their team so they are missing that drama, nobody has impregnated any actresses nor is dating a supermodel, Pacman Jones is thankfully no where near the Giants Stadium, I mean they got nothin’ here! Does the team wearing black upon arriving in Arizona for the game, to supposedly mourn the end of the Patriot’s dynasty, count as buzz?

THE PLAYERS

New England

giselle-n-brady.jpgTom Brady
The NFL’s most eli
gible bachelor. If bachelors are allowed to be baby daddies (to hot actress mammas) and date actual supermodels. So Brady knocked up Bridget Moynahan and promptly left her to date uber hottie Gisele just around this same time last year. Didn’t seem to hurt his game any. In fact I think he might have gotten better. Or wabridget.jpgit, maybe that was just the off-season addition of an actual receiver.

Brady’s the real deal, sure he’s got haters but most people cannot deny that he is amazing under pressure, ridiculously accurate, smart on the field, and has a butt-chin. He does, it’s his one negative.

Randy Moss
Acquired in the off-season from the ill repute sucky Oakland Raiders, Randy Moss was excited to be back on a team with an actual quarterback. Notice how his mysterious plague of back injuries disappeared once on a team with a QB that likes to throw and a coach that actually knows what he is talking about? While he might not do well when physically pressured, he can beat just about anyone to the long ball…and put the long ball up high? Fuggetaboutit, no one is gonna touch that – dude’s got an outrageous vertical. Can I just mention here the recent battery charge made against him? Some Florida woman is alleging that Moss hit her or something. In addition to many other things Moss said, “Battery – I didn’t hit no woman. I’ve never laid my hands on a woman…”. No, maybe he never put his hands on a woman, but he sure as hell as put his car on one. Does that count as battery, or just ramming?

New York
Eli Manning

Underrated little brother of sell-out hysterically funny sell-out funny fellow quarterback, Peyton Manning. I say “underrated” because he gets a bad rap and he’s actually been good for the past four weeks…not Peyton good, but good. Good enough to win three straight times against teams that were arguably better than his in a pressure-filled post-season. To this I say, he’s due. Due to suck. Kidding. Kinda. He hasn’t shown the propensity to drive his team to the end all be all. He usually caves under the pressure. So we’ll see, jury’s still out.

strahan.jpgMichael Strahan
Not really a major factor, but I knew he’d be upset if I didn’t put a photo of his ugly mug in this post. Man loves the camera. So much so, I think I am already sick of him and he’s not even retired and doing analysis yet. Sigh. Just don’t become another Tiki I implore you! But with 9 sacks and 45 solo tackles on the year, someone should definitely block him, I mean no running unabated to the quarterback here, he can do some damage. Just imagine if that front-tooth gap gets caught on Brady’s butt chin? The blood, the gore, the horror!

There are other, more important keys to the Giants game (like, defensive and pressure on Brady, hello Umemyiora!) but I just don’t feel like going into it. I know you all are sad.

THE COACHES
New England

bellichick-homeless.jpgBill Belichick
Our resident 4-million dollar bag lady (are there such thing as bag men?). A disciple of the Bill Parcel’s school of football, he is proving himself to be one of the most brilliant minds of the game. (Provided he can get over spygate.) Now does the man actually have a home and/or a wardrobe?

New York

Tom Coughlin
Another disciple of the Bill Parcel’s school of football, even another member of The Tribe. What’s even more surprising is that the two most reclustic (a new word meaning full of recluse) coaches in the NFL are friends. I didn’t know that either of them actually had friends. Hmmm. Maybe they don’t know what friends are, so they can use the term with each other and mean it. Anyway, Coughlin is one tough cookie. Infamous for requiring players to show up for meetings at least 5-minutes early (apparently “on time” is late) and berating players in front of each other; he walks the line between tough/respectable and tough/go-fuck-yourself. Either way his players have discipline, so at least he’s got that going for him.

IN CLOSING

If you are going to base your decision on who to root for based on this pathetic synopsis you might as well be informed of all the trivial details. Pat the Patriot is New England’s official mascot. (LAME!) However, the New York Giants don’t have one. (LAMER!). Do with that information what you will.

I leave you with this, which is the funniest thing I’ve read on the SuperBowl in, like, forever. It appeared in today’s WaPo Express and I can’t find a byline so I am not taking credit for this, it wasn’t me but I don’t know who it was.

Game Time Fun:

“Whenever Randy Moss scores a touchdown, mimic announcer Joe Buck’s distinct voice and declare, ‘This touchdown is a disgusting act by Randy Moss. It’s unfortunate that we have that touchdown on our air live.’ Then stand up and mime pulling your pants down.”

Now go eat some hot wings and Doritos.

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