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Fears no tears

July 26, 2007
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I haven’t cried.

Ok, there was a tear or two. You know, the trickle kind of tear where your face doesn’t contort and the tear just seems to spill over your eyelid and flow all prettily, yet sadly down your cheek? Yeah, I’ve had a couple of those and a few more well-up-only moments with none of that spill over. But, I haven’t cried. And I wonder why that is. Sometimes I am afraid it means that I’ve become cold, so closed off to emotion that I am essentially faking my boy-girl relationships. That way, when they inevitably end, I am no worse for the wear. Sometimes I just think that it’s all fine, it wasn’t love–it was fun, it was a learning experience, it was lovely, but there’s no reason to cry just because it’s run it’s course. Sometimes I just don’t know what to think.

I miss him. Sometimes more than others, but I do. It’s palpable. I think it hit me (well this is when the melancholy and tiny heartaches began anyway) as I was driving through Illinois. I was going to detour, have lunch, maybe have the parent’s drop me off in town, stay the weekend. I didn’t. I just drove through, right past Cellular, the Sears Tower, Lake Michigan and into Indiana. Or maybe it hit me while I was up in Minnesota, shopping with my mom and grandma, as it was this same event last year that I confessed to my family that I (gasp!) actually liked someone (a big deal, since I don’t tend to disclose my dating life with them unless I am ga-ga happy and tippy-toe twirly over it). I don’t know.

I don’t know what to think. Is there something wrong with me? Should I be glad I am not overly sad? I don’t know.

But I miss him.

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7 Comments leave one →
  1. July 26, 2007 12:05 pm

    Sadness doesn’t always have to be shown through tears. That you are sad at all in some fashion is enough to show that you aren’t cold. Everyone deals with “the end” their own way. Don’t stress over it. It fades.

  2. July 26, 2007 3:15 pm

    Oh. Honey. I’m sorry. I’d come by a few times to see the status of the boy, but you didn’t mention it. (Secretly I want to be you for your massive running skills.)

    I’m not just saying this to blow smoke around. I think you, Bug and I are very similarly minded in a lot of ways. I think first, as I66 says, not everyone shows sadness in the same ways. But second, if this was really “the one,” the one so perfect that you had to spend your life with him, the everything, you would have more of an emotional reaction. All I can offer you is that this guy wasn’t it.

    You are MUCH BETTER OFF because you are honest with yourself. Don’t you find it fake when girls cry at the end of every relationship ending? Like, I have to wonder, did they really “LOVE” them all. Doubtful. Your emotions are being true to you. That is so much more helpful in making the right decisions than if you were somehow able to fool yourself or feel a hurt that might not really be there.

    I’m so rambling, but I really really really understand what you are saying right now.

  3. July 26, 2007 8:46 pm

    Breakups or ‘just not seeing someone anymore’ are different to everyone. So many things I would like to say because I feel you but only you know what it meant to you, right?

    Can a sista get a date?

    Kisses and champagne cocktails…

  4. trybritri permalink
    July 26, 2007 10:20 pm

    Velvet said it all, except now I understand the song lyrics.

    Stay strong! and I won’t put all the happy ‘it could be worse’ shit.

    Just think about how the Simpsons movie is coming out tonight and how many friends you have =)

  5. July 27, 2007 10:02 am

    I like the color scheme.

  6. July 31, 2007 2:26 pm

    I think I’m repeating what everyone already said, but everybody deals with this stuff differently, and crying does not equal sadness. Being authentic to yourself is the best thing you can do, I think. I’m sorry to hear about the missing– that’s always really hard.

  7. July 31, 2007 7:25 pm

    This is the first time that I can’t do something for you. Like I can’t physically be there and won’t physically be there again for a very long time. It makes me even more sad about this than I already was.

    On that note, I told you I could roll over and ya know, politely speak with him. But that was a no go.

    I miss you.

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