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The Baby Bananas Guide to the 2006 NFL season (part 2)

September 6, 2006

Here is where we continue where we left off yesterday with Part 1, with a firm understanding of the very basics of football we can move on to who actually matters in the wacky world of professional football…

What? Hype over football? Yes. I know, I know. You can’t escape it. It’s the price we pay for playing just one game per week. It leaves the other six days open to gross prognostication, berating, smack-talking and armchair quarterbacking. With 4 weeks of pre-season, the hype is unbearable. That is why were are so glad for Thursday’s opener to be upon us. Put up or shut up. Heh, I just typoed that as “shit up”. Quite a different effect, eh?

THE DEFENDING SUPERBOWL CHAMPS – That would be the Pittsburgh Steelers, quarterbacked by Ben Roethlisberger. His summertime motorcycle accident should have no effect on his game, so feel free to tell off those that say he’ll suck. If he does, it won’t be for that reason, maybe it’ll be because of his recent appendectomy. Seriously, is this guy doomed, or what? Superbowl MVP, Hines Ward is will still be carrying the ball for Pitt, and Palomalu will be mucking it up on defense. But they lost Antwaan Randle El to the Redskins and Jerome Bettis to retirement.

THE BRIDESMAID – Peyton Manning and his Indianapolis Colts. Can MasterCard do a spot with the team in bridesmaid dresses? Please! Just think, Brady and Roethlisberger can be the bride and groom (Brady is the girl, if there was question) and then entire Colts team can be the wedding party. You think Dungy would dress up in frills? Anyway, look for another offensively dominating season from the Colts. They aren’t going to start sucking anytime soon. But their best running back, Edgerrin James, left for the Arizona Cardinals which does not speak highly of hopes to win a ring this year. Keep those dresses boys. D-Caf!

CINDERELLA – The New Orleans Saints are on everyone’s list as the golden child this year. They are back home and under a new coaching staff. Could you write a better story? Sure, make sure they win and make sure Reggie Bush lives up to the hype. Do I sound cynical? Good.

> The Green Bay Packers. Just kidding! Testing you to see if you silly kids are still paying attention. Brett Favre and his Packers have pretty much no tools in their shed, their season will be like trying to build Ikea furniture with thumb tacks and silly string, you think it might work but eventually it will all come tumbling down. However, in true spoiler fashion look for them to wreak some havoc on teams looking for playoff berths late in the season. Cheeseheads are assholes like that. I am not biased.
–> The Carolina Panthers, should make a run for this show this season. Coach John Fox rivals Belichick in brilliance. A more than solid defense and my fantasy QB, Jake Delhomme (think Brett Favre, but younger and with less interceptions) will win their division easily.
–> Terrell Owens is an asshole. A talented, mother fudging asshole. There is only one person in the NFL that I would think could curb his assholio ways, Bill Parcells. Hmmm. Curious. Oh, Dallas Cowboys, I wonder what will happen with yew.
–> Miami will look to threaten with Daunte Culpepper at QB, it seems his knee is all healed from last season’s explosion. The coaching staff is there, and while the talent seems to be there too, they still have a lot to prove.
–> Everyone says poor LaDainian Tomlinson, one of the league’s best RBs on an average team. Hello, that’s you, San Diego Chargers. You have so much potential. isn’t it about time? But Philip Rivers as QB? I have a feeling he might just surprise us.

EVERYONE ELSE – Sorry to lump the rest of the league in one paragraph here, but this is getting long!

AFC East
–> The New England Patriots will continue to be strong behind coach Bill Belichick and QB Tom Brady. Brady is no longer overrated, he’s the real-deal.
–> To be any sort of challenge at all, the Bills in Buffalo will be putting a lot of pressure on RB McGahee and QB Jim Kelly. Whoops. Jim Kelly is retired and like 70. Who’s the QB in Buffalo? Exactly.
–> Penni and the Jets will continue on as they have, that is with mediocrity. Does Pennington even have a shoulder left?
AFC North
–>The Cincinnati Bengals are consistently not-sucking, and by not-sucking I mean good! Let’s see if Palmer is all better after last season’s late knee injury–with Kitna gone from the back up spot, the team’s hopes kind of rest on that.
–> Baltimore’s Ravens will need more than Ray Lewis to stay in contention. If he’s healthy, expect some big wins, but not enough to matter.
–> In Cleveland, the Browns (who wear orange, go figure) will most likely be sucking again.
AFC South
–> It blows that the Jacksonville Jaguars have a tougher than average schedule and share a division with the Colts. They are kinda stuck until Peyton and Dungy decide to implode.
–> Why does Texas get two teams? Especially when the Houston Texans are so bad. Even if their QB was half-way decent, he very well can’t throw from the prone position people.
–> However, the Tennessee Titans will battle them for the sucktitude title. No longer hiding behind iron-man Steve McNair (who is now throwing for the Ravens), you will see all the ugly that’s fit for television.
AFC West
–> Is it just me, or are other people also surprised with the consistent level of play of the Kansas City Chiefs? They are always good, but don’t ever seem to do anything about it. Expect more of the same. QB Trent Green will put up good numbers, Tony Gonzalez will dazzle at tight end and I hear they’ve improved the defensive line. Somehow though, it all seems so blah.
–> For me, the Denver Broncos are the opposite…frequently gritty and dazzling all at the same time, you expect them to win ‘em all. And yet they don’t. But they’re still good. Has Plummer cut his coif yet? Maybe that’s the key…
–> The Oakland Raiders are just proof that full-of-talent cry babies (see Randy Moss, Jerry Porter) do not a team make. You have a sick stadium, but that won’t get you in the playoffs.
NFC East
–> Tiki Barber will continue to hold on to the ball and the veteran-laden New York Giants should rally behind him. Game to watch, Eli Manning v. Peyton Manning for Indy’s home opener on 9/10. The two QB’s have never played against each other before. Mama Manning, start your tears.
–> I’d like to see the Philadelphia Eagles play spoiler to the division, but I don’t know how much hope I should hold out for McNabb and company. Nice to have the cancer out of the locker room, though.
–> Time for Gibbs to put up or shut up, the Washington Redskins can’t skate by the skin of their teeth any longer. Points are what win football games, no matter how solid your D is.
NFC North
–> Purple pride has got a new coach and a new owner. Let’s hope it doesn’t take the Minnesota Vikings a year to gel. Brad Johnson, while not a long-term QB, can be effective. Let’s also hope he stays healthy and the rest of them team stays off drugs and party boats.
–> Da Bears are good. Well, solid. But like everyone else I am curious to see how Grossman pans out. If he’s all that he touted to be…look out. But their backup QB is now Griese. And Griese never brings anything good with him. I wonder why Orton was bumped to third?
–> So with a new coach and crazy Mike Martz, do the Detroit Lions get another three rebuilding years? Looks like it.
NFC South
–> Chuckie (Coach John Gruden) is still at it over at the Tampa Bay Bucaneers HQ. Cadillac Williams and a couple of decent receivers will try to keep them in it offensively. An excellent defense will keep them in the thick of it, but like the Redskins, you need points to win.
–> I am sick of people saying the Atlanta Falcons’ Michael Vick is dangerous. Surely he can’t be as dangerous as his brother, Marcus Vick, can he? I mean is he packing under those pads?
NFC West
–> The Seattle Seahawks have no reason not to continue where they left off last season, that is with a SuperBowl loss but also with a fantastic season led by league MVP Shaun Alexander. Plus how fun is it to say Lofa Tatupu? I wish Seattle made a play for Polamalu in the off-season. How many tougue-tied announcers would we have in a safety blitz in that situation?
–> The Arizona Cardinals are the new Bengals. Yeah, I said it. Denny Green, Edgerrin James, Anquan Boldin, a future QB in Matt Leinhart. Give ‘em a year or a reason (season-ending QB injury? It worked for Cinci and Chicago) to be good. But no, I totally have Warner on my fantasy team, no injuries please. Lots of TDs and yards, thank you. Kuuuurt! Dump your butch wife!
–> I am unsure of the Rams, they always seem to have so much potential and can never break through. Was it Martz or lack o’ Martz? I guess we’ll see now that he is really gone.
–> So do you think the San Francisco 49ers will suck worse than the Browns? Yeah, I think so too.

Can anyone take a guess as to who will be attending the Monday night Redskins home-opener? Your resident Vikings fan, that’s who! Bring on Johnson’s revenge! And no, I don’t mean a fiery STD. Heh. Ew.

12 Comments leave one →
  1. September 6, 2006 1:28 pm

    Unfortunately the Titans are not all the ugly that’s fit for television this season. Don’t forget we’re likely to see a bunch of Ravens games here in the DC Metro area on Sundays – and for the last couple of years that’s been plenty of ugly to deal with.

    Well done, Banana – but with one minor contention:

    My beloved Skins were 13th in points per game last year. While that may not be top 10, I think it’s far from the skating by the skin of their teeth.

  2. September 6, 2006 2:05 pm

    Woo Hoo!!! Defenders of the Trophy, GO STEELERS!!

    I know another Vikings fan who will be at the game too! 🙂

  3. Anonymous permalink
    September 6, 2006 4:31 pm

    ummm -do you have a job anymore?

  4. September 6, 2006 5:10 pm

    Michael has herpes. You decide who’s more dangerous.

  5. Mr. Smooth permalink
    September 6, 2006 5:16 pm

    I’ll be at the game on Monday, probably cheering for the Vikes to win, mainly because I know that they know how to celebrate (especially on a boat!).

    By the way, am I the only person that has Redskins season tickets yet does not like the Redskins? Just wondering…

    Go Seahawks!!

  6. September 6, 2006 5:33 pm

    i-66 – I hate that we get subjected to so many Ravens games. I wonder if Giants and Jets fans get the same treatment. And for as far as the Skins got in the playoffs, that IS just skating by.

    Anon – Yes, do you? I wrote that off the clock and even posted during the lunch break, thank you very much.

    Phil – Considering I don’t plan to get anywhere NEAR Vick’s weewee, I’d have to stick with his brother…easier to shoot someone than fall into their womanly parts.

    Mr. Smooth – It’s possible you are the only one. FedEx is pretty stacked in the burgandy and gold.

  7. September 7, 2006 7:58 am

    I wonder if the NFL shop still has a block on ordering “Ron Mexico” jerseys. I hear Ron Mexico has blistering speed.

  8. September 7, 2006 9:52 am

    I’m sorry that you have to go to the game on Monday and watch the Vikings get destroyed. It seems like that may be upsetting to you.

  9. September 7, 2006 12:54 pm

    i-66 – What? Did Ron Mexico sleep with Mike Vick…does his speed have herpes?

    Eric – Even as pathetic as your attempt at smack-talk is, I have to admit I am a MN sports fan. I am used to being upset. It’s celebration that I have trouble with.

  10. September 7, 2006 2:33 pm

    I don’t smack talk, I was express sympathy.

  11. September 7, 2006 2:57 pm

    Not exactly

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